Repentance, Humility & Lent

Yesterday was the beginning of the Lenten season. Because I have been attending a Presbyterian church the past year-and-a-half, I've been more aware of the liturgical calendar, and specifically the season of Lent. My first exposure to it was actually a few years ago when the pastor at the EV Free church I was attending fasted & prayed for the 40 days of Lent. The year after that I read the 40 days of Purpose in Rick Warren's "Purpose Driven Life" and I think I gave up chocolate as well. I don't remember specifically what I did last year (being the mother of a small child tends to deplete brain cells), and that brings me to today.

Last night the Presbyterian church had a Lent service and I was (amazingly) able to attend. (Again, having a small child can make going out in the evenings a bit challenging). It was a beautiful service - very quite, the lights dimmed and candles lit. We sang praise and worship songs along with "When I Survey the Wondrous Cross", and it was a wonderful time of just focusing on Christ. Just having a time to quiet my spirit, sing out words of praise and receive communion helped me to find His peace. Of course right before going to the service I was a frenzied mess of trying to get dinner prepped, answering the phone, cleaning up a glass broken by little boy and getting myself ready to go out the door. Nothing like showing up to a reflective Lent service completely stressed-out. But, that's kind of what it needed to be, so I could get myself calmed down, to "stop striving" and just 'be' with God. I was looking forward to communion, and I enjoyed the flow of the service and the songs especially, but I was just a tad freaked-out by what they called "the imposition of ashes". I know not only Catholics observe Lent, but that specific practice seems especially Catholic to me. (Maybe because most of the people I used to see with something on their forheads during this time were Catholic folks). At this particular service they focused on the phrase "ashes to ashes, from dust to dust" - from dust we came, to dust we shall return. (?) I kept thinking about the whole resurrection body thing, but now I'm wandering a bit. But the thing that I really took away from the service and specifically the receiving of ashes on my forhead was a sense of humility. To humble myself before the God who gave his only Son, the Son who agonzied in the garden over what he was called by the Father to do and to realize the cost and sacrifice so that I may live forever with Him. It really is beyond what I can comprehend or even express here. Not only do I get to live and serve forever with God, but I also get to live for and serve Him for as long as I'm here. And when the days are tough, long and frustrating, I'm promised the help of the Holy Spririt, and can call on him day and night. In fact, I'm told I need to cling to Jesus, run to him, call on him and constantly depend on him, rather than depend on myself.

And as I sat in the pew and called out to God, and clung to Him, I was reminded of some events of the past few days with my son. He's been a little clingy lately. He has a tough time with transitions as it is (known as a "Spirited Child", but that's for another post), and he's been practically begging me to play with him everyday. I'd rather not admit it, but his behavior has really been annoying to me lately. I had to peel him off of me on Wednesday when I left him in the kids-time so I could go to a bible study, and had to walk away watching him cry, and instead of feeling compassion for him I was so glad I was having some "me" time. (He was fine just a few minutes after I left, and I spent a good part of the bible study praying for him) I was struck by the images of the past few days, and more specifically my attitude. Is God EVER annoyed with me when I call on Him? Even if I call on him repeatedly - upwards of 100 times a day - "God HELP me!!". When my son is in need, whether it's for comfort, for companionship, for discipline (teaching & boudaries), or for help, I can do it with a gracious attitude and a loving heart. I was reminded of the image of myself talking to little-boy through clenched teeth, with a harsh tone of voice, as I was trying to get him to be quite while I breifly talked on the phone, and thought, "there's a better way". It only takes me about 30 seconds longer to stop, look to the Lord/call on him/ask him for help, and then THINK about what I want to say and how I could say it, and then proceed with the action. So I repented of my attitude, and my goal is to contine to repent, in the sense that I turn from the way I would naturally handle a stiuation, and go a new direction - His direction for my interactions with others

I haven't realy given up anything for Lent this year, like food or tv shows (I don't even get to watch the ones I TiVo!). But maybe what I need to give up are my selfish and unloving reactions, and instead embrace the humility of Jesus, and choose the better way.