Sometimes I find myself thinking about how my life has turned out so far, in contrast to what I thought I would have wanted for myself at this stage, approaching 35. For example, I got married at 25 and thought, "ok, a good plan would be to have kids in about 2-3 years." In fact, many of our friends who were married right about the same time we were got pregnant 2-3 years after their wedding dates. But not us. Now at the time, I didn't understand and wasn't really happy about it to be quite honest. I wanted to be planning the nursery color scheme, thinking of baby names, and buying maternity clothes. I was also quite sure of the parenting philosophy/formula I would use too. For that part alone I am so glad we did not have a child at that time. I wanted to be a part of this particular "club" - you know, the membership guarentees that you will have a well-behaved child if you just follow the formula. I know myself well enough to know at that point in my life I would have become a slave to the "rules" regardless of my child's temperment and needs. And when things didn't go according to the "plan" I would have blamed it on myself - possibly resulting in lots of guilt, anger and sadness in response to my mothering efforts. Seven years and 3 months after our wedding date we had our son and I had thankfully changed my mind on using that parenting method. I know I would have parented more for what others thought of me, rather than to an audience of One. ( I still struggle with this . . .and probably always will to some degree.) Daily, moment by moment dependence on Him is what God wants not just in my parenting, but in all aspects of my life.

Isn't it funny how badly I want there to be rules and a certain way to do things. Nobody really thrusts the idea of being judgemental on me - I want to do it. I want to be able to say, " I followed the rules and now my child is wonderful, well-behaved, etc." all the while in my heart thinking of how good I must look. And when other parents children are not in line with what I consider to be "good" I can judge their poor parenting since that is obvoiusly what caused this. Here's the really scary part. . . even though I have embraced God's ultimate gift of grace and have employed some of John Fisher's 12 Steps for a Recovering Pharisee, I then want to judge others for their lack of grace. Now that I have the grace I want to boast about my graciousness and condemn those use formulas and rules. (I have read that book twice and will probably read it again.)

Then in the midst of all this parenting paranoia I put myself through I remember that my child is a person. He was created for relationship. Yes, part of my job is to raise him, teach him, give him the independence that will help him funciton in this world. . . .and at other times I just need to enjoy him. Enjoy the fact that at 2+ years he still wants to sit on my lap and likes to be read to. Listen to him form language and use his new founds words. Sing silly songs and always be on the alert for airplanes in the sky. I want to be able to find things at all his ages and stages that I enjoy - especially in the midst of the behavior that makes me want to tear my hair out. (I hear 13 can be a tough one for boys). My hope is that in enjoying him for who he is, he will glean an enjoyment of others - not for what they do (or don't do) but for who they are.
I'm still trying to learn that one.

I really wanted to wrap this one up with a cool conclusion that brought all these thoughts together, but it's after 10 o'clock and I need some sleep. Time to post. I'll close with a quote from my day-timer: "There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go." -Tennessee Willams. Or as Steve likes to end, "Now it's time for so long. . . . " -Blues Clues