Anger
I attended the mom's group at my church this morning and heard a great talk on anger. The speaker is a licensed therapist and she had alot of great insights to share. I looked forward to being a mom for quite some time, and really anticipated all the joys of raising a little one. What caught me completely off guard was how angry I can get both at my son and at circumstances surrounding parenting him. Today's talk tapped into some of the issues around that. I won't ramble on too much about it, but here are some of the points:
-Identify the course of your anger, be a student of it. Number the strength of your anger by rating it on a scale of 1 to 10. Take action when the intensity is between a 1 and a 4. Do not take action if the intensity is a 7 or higher. Take time to deintensify your anger before you express it.
-When you act, use words not actions. (i.e. throwing things). Keep an even tone of voice. Do not use mockery, sarcasm, belittling, joking, or teasing. Speak directly, firmly and kindly. State that you are angry, what the situation is that needs to change, and how you need it to change Be open to the other's perspective on the situation.
The speaker's name is Pam Erdman, and she also shared about the effects yelling and screaming has on our children. Their emotions become so stirred up, to the point that they become anxious and fearful and then don't hear what we are saying at all. So any time I'm thinking I'm finally being heard when I yell, I'm really not. If there is compliance it's only because of fear, or a desire for the yelling to stop. Another word for those intense emotions one feels in the midst of conflict is "flooding". This reaction is documented by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. "the heart speeds up . . . hormonal changes occur too, including the secretion of adrenaline, which kicks in the 'fight or flight' response. When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen . . . your ability to process information is reduced. It's harder to pay attention to what someone is saying." He writes this in the context of a marriage conflict, but I think the application can be made to any situation when someone is being yelled at by someone else. (the quote is from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work")
Another great think to keep in mind - am I having realistic expectations for my child's age, stage, etc.?
A great book on the issue of yelling is "When You Feel Like Screaming" by Pat Holt & Grace Ketterman, M.D.. Here's a challenging quote: "That is why we have written about learning and using self-control. If you will master this skill and use it to stay quiet instead of impusively screaming out your rage and demands, you may transform your family life. Once you have conquered the screaming habit, replace it (the put-off and put-on of scripture) with self-control, silence and thoughtfulness. Then you will know what you mean to say, and you can say what you really mean." I think one of the kept secrets, if you will, for many stay-at-home christian moms is how often they (me included) yell at their kids. But no one admits it or talks about it, because then "what kind of a mom will people think I am". A very normal, human one, in fact, and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, admit their own weaknesses and get some help. Things kept in secret usually stay unaddressed. (Satan's shame strategy.)
So much of this strikes a particular chord in me because I didn't really learn how to deal with anger growing up. I grew up in an alcoholic home with lots of yelling. The way I survived and sucessfully "fit-in" was to never have any negative emotions. I still had them, but never knew how to deal with them. I might go into that another day, but I'll end here by saying I'm very glad for these resources & tools. Simply saying out loud, "I am so angry about this. . .", or I'm getting so frustrated" helps me to come down a few levels when my anger starts to grow. Anger is a normal part of life - I just don't want it to be something that ultimately alienates those I love. Prayerfully, by God's grace I can do better wtih all this.
-Identify the course of your anger, be a student of it. Number the strength of your anger by rating it on a scale of 1 to 10. Take action when the intensity is between a 1 and a 4. Do not take action if the intensity is a 7 or higher. Take time to deintensify your anger before you express it.
-When you act, use words not actions. (i.e. throwing things). Keep an even tone of voice. Do not use mockery, sarcasm, belittling, joking, or teasing. Speak directly, firmly and kindly. State that you are angry, what the situation is that needs to change, and how you need it to change Be open to the other's perspective on the situation.
The speaker's name is Pam Erdman, and she also shared about the effects yelling and screaming has on our children. Their emotions become so stirred up, to the point that they become anxious and fearful and then don't hear what we are saying at all. So any time I'm thinking I'm finally being heard when I yell, I'm really not. If there is compliance it's only because of fear, or a desire for the yelling to stop. Another word for those intense emotions one feels in the midst of conflict is "flooding". This reaction is documented by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. "the heart speeds up . . . hormonal changes occur too, including the secretion of adrenaline, which kicks in the 'fight or flight' response. When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen . . . your ability to process information is reduced. It's harder to pay attention to what someone is saying." He writes this in the context of a marriage conflict, but I think the application can be made to any situation when someone is being yelled at by someone else. (the quote is from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work")
Another great think to keep in mind - am I having realistic expectations for my child's age, stage, etc.?
A great book on the issue of yelling is "When You Feel Like Screaming" by Pat Holt & Grace Ketterman, M.D.. Here's a challenging quote: "That is why we have written about learning and using self-control. If you will master this skill and use it to stay quiet instead of impusively screaming out your rage and demands, you may transform your family life. Once you have conquered the screaming habit, replace it (the put-off and put-on of scripture) with self-control, silence and thoughtfulness. Then you will know what you mean to say, and you can say what you really mean." I think one of the kept secrets, if you will, for many stay-at-home christian moms is how often they (me included) yell at their kids. But no one admits it or talks about it, because then "what kind of a mom will people think I am". A very normal, human one, in fact, and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, admit their own weaknesses and get some help. Things kept in secret usually stay unaddressed. (Satan's shame strategy.)
So much of this strikes a particular chord in me because I didn't really learn how to deal with anger growing up. I grew up in an alcoholic home with lots of yelling. The way I survived and sucessfully "fit-in" was to never have any negative emotions. I still had them, but never knew how to deal with them. I might go into that another day, but I'll end here by saying I'm very glad for these resources & tools. Simply saying out loud, "I am so angry about this. . .", or I'm getting so frustrated" helps me to come down a few levels when my anger starts to grow. Anger is a normal part of life - I just don't want it to be something that ultimately alienates those I love. Prayerfully, by God's grace I can do better wtih all this.
posted by blueyedtracy at
1:44 PM
1 Comments:
This was a wonderful post! I've got two small children - one school age and one toddler - and I work to not yell at them, but I'm not always successful. I think it's important for my husband and I to tell them, "I'm angry... frustrated... tired... whatever... and we need to work together to find an answer to this problem." I want my kids to know that having these emotions are natural. It's what you do with them that matters.
By
Chel, at 6:38 AM
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