Another Agenda and 12 Step Meetings

I'd like to write a post here, but my computer has it's own agenda. We have a new laptop - such a great thing - however the mouse pad is SUPER sensitive. This means that as I'm trying to frantically get my thoughts out before I loose them completely, the cursor jumps to another line and I start to type over what I've already written. (I guess my thumbs drag a little while I type.) Or worse, it erases almost an entire paragraph before I even know what is happening. UGH!! I'm very sleepy, much in need of a diet coke, and I'm just trying to get down some coherent thoughts before I have to tackle the horrible mess in my kitchen.

12 step meetings are an incredibly real place to deal with one's humanity, as well as one's spirituality. I don't think we can be truly spiritual unless we come face to face with what makes us human, and the messy-ness of it all. Can I really embrace Christ if I'm holding on to any false sense of who I think I am, or even who I'd like to be on my best day? He wants me to bring it all to him . . the questions, the doubts, the struggles, the joys, the hopes, the demands, the laughter and the tears. If I seek to keep any of it to myself, I just end up hurting others and stagnating in my growth. Church can be a weird place because theoretically it is to be a place where I come "Just as I am", but if I were truly that, I don't think many church folks would want to be around me. Honesty about who we are is so completely refreshing - it runs a close second to the refreshment the truth about Christ's love brings. But, do I go into a bible study and tell everyone about how controlling I am with my husband, and provide the gory details of words, tone & actions? No, but I might ask for prayer for a critical spirit, or a fearful heart - but I keep it right there, that way no one thinks badly of me. So much of our church life and our christianity becomes driven by what other believers might think of us. Not even what they WILL think of us, but what they MIGHT. Now, if I know I have any chance of encountering a judgemental or pharisaical response from someone, there's no way I share my "gory details" with another. I already know how I've failed, I'm not about to put myself in a place where I'll be condemned - simply for being honest. What is the fear? We don't want to lose our "status" in our faith community? Should a sense of status exist in such a place? Our we elevating man's opinion of us over God's? Do we fear man rather than God? And, do we elevate men and their theological expertise and stature over God as well?

I hate the fact that I sometimes yell at my child. But keeping that part of me hidden from others for fear of what they think of me will only allow it to continue. Do I really want to do better and get help with that? Then I need to reveal it.
Where have we come to in a community of faith where no one feels free to share real struggles. God is the only one with the ALL the answers, and often the wisest and bravest thing a person in chruch leadership can do is answer some questions with "I don't know". We don't know it all - no one does. I've heard someone say something like, those who authentically live out humility, love and christlikeness talk about it the least. Living it out for me means admitting the damage I've done, asking for forgiveness and then living the life of love. So much easier said then done, but thankfully I'm not left to my own devices to figure it out. I'll close as I would at a meeting; Thanks for letting me share.