Some Thoughts Before I Sleep

As I lie in bed, reading my book, thankful that a migraine seems to be disappearing, I think about mothering. I think this:
I want to know. I want to hear. The words said in his funny way of saying them. Yes, I'm tired, I've spent the whole day with him, you'd think I'd be ready for a break, but as I have the opportunity to listen as he's in his room alone, quieting down for sleep, I turn up the monitor - so I can hear. I hear pages of a book being turned, and his little voice telling the words of the story he's memorized. Now he's talking to his stuffed dog, and does the voice for his dog answering back. He makes a few "rocketship" sounds and the minutes pass; he speaks less and less and now I only hear the sound of tired sighs and yawns. I want to know - the things that capture his little mind and aid him in his journey to the land of peaceful slumber. He will continue to grow and move on from this phase of his life, but when I turn up that monitor and listen in, I get to capture in my memory these small and happy sounds. I'm sure it doesn't make sense . . that it's not rational or logical that the one person who I've been with the whole day captures my attention in these final moments before sleep. I"ll see him in a few short hours, to spend another whole day living life and doing the daily job of being a mom. But I think that's part of what makes motherhood so special and amazing . . it's not rational at all. But, then again, I don't think that's what we count on love to be - logical, rational - we count on it to be amazing, daring, willing to be inconvenienced and ready to do anything for those we love. If we are loving, and in doing so, going beyond ourselves, we do the very thing that doens't make any sense.