Why Are We So Full Of Ourselves

Peggy Noonan has a great column today. I think her observations and questions about our leaders in politics are right on the money. Sometimes I think the same could be said of so many of us. . . including myself. We're so quick to qualify ourselves - so that others know what we're about to say has some merit, or something. My words shouldn't deserve merit because of the person saying them. . . it should be the words themselves that inspire, encourage, and ultimately lead to thoughts that become actions. Those actions become a life of integrity. We don't have to talk about our integrity, because our lives speak for themsevles. We don't have to mention our humility; it's obvious as we seek to become lesser, or in the words of John the Baptist, "He must become greater; I must become less." (NIV). Peggy refers to Billy Graham in her column as a contrast to those with "wildly inflated self-regard". She calls Billy a "great man" and goes on to say "He bears within him the deep reservoirs of sweetness". I wholeheartedly agree with her. His last crusade will be the end of an era in our nation. I don't know that many other men, in politics, ministry or anywhere for that matter, who have the quiet humility he lives out so clearly and beautifuly. He somehow balances spreading the gospel, which requires talking to people, with not becoming too self-aware as he does it. The person of Billy Graham does not detract from the message of Billy Graham - and maybe that's it. Because it's not Billy's message he's delivering - its God's message - the Good News of Christ. A great piece on Billy's appeal can be found here.

Another man in the political realm who comes to mind as one of those who doesn't succumb to the self-aggrandizing is Bill Bennett. You can agree or disagree with the man's religion and politics, but whenever I've seen him he's always a class act. He speaks clearly, humbly and incredibly intelligently. He has a syndicated radio show that I wish I could hear. . .it does air in LA, but at 3am. (Hmmm . . both of these men I refer to have the first name "Bill" or "Billy". Mabye I could have called this a tale of Three Bills, and then tacked a certain former president on as an example of how NOT to be a class act . . but I digress.)

I will say for me, the main reason I become so full of myself, my thoughts, my theories, ME - is because I'm not full enough of God. He created me for goodness sake, and yet I want to promote ME every chance I get. It almost gets to the point of this piece of clay telling the Potter, "You know, God, things would really be much better if I told you just how to mold me, in fact, I think I'll mold myself, thank you very much." Do you think God ever laughs to himself about us: "Those little pots of clay sure do like to hear themselves talk." Rather than worrying about how I'll look, or shallow attempts to be witty or smart I need to ask for His wisdom, and His ways. "He must become greater, I must become less."

Back in LA

We were gone for the weekend. Now we're back. Coming back can be depressing. No more lounging around, reading books, going to the park and eating out for almost every meal. (Nothin' fancy -but I didn't have to do any dishes!)

I got a spider bite just before we left. How did I know it was a spider?? Well, I was in the back yard and grabbed the broom leaning against the fence to sweep the patio. I realized that a spider web was attached to the broom and as I was getting it off me, I felt the bite. It swelled up pretty quickly and a little blister appeared too. I didn't get a look at the spider. The bite area has now healed, but I've been feeling lousy the past few days. My husband thinks I'm crazy, but I think it's from the spider bite. Of course I typed "spider bite" into the Google search area, and found out more than I ever needed to know about any kind of bite one can get. No, I don't think it was a Brown Recluse, or a Black Widow, but it could possibly have been a Wolf Spider, or a Jumping spider.

I think the most depressing part about being back is the amount of work that needs to get done around here in the next few weeks. See, we're going to put our house on the market. It's the right move for alot of reasons, but I'm just dreading the process. I'll give more details later. For now I'm going to continue to freak myself out more by reading additional info on spider bites. I'll let you know if I find anything good.

On A Much Lighter Note

It's been one of those weeks. There has been good stuff, but lots of frustrating stuff too. This morning at 9:45am I was eating whipped cream straight from the can - mighty good I might add. And then this afternoon; nothing like a nice little jolt from the San Andreas Fault to top-off a week of poor sleep, workmen in your house, a fine layer of dust from said workmen and other life complexities. Yes, I love feeling like my nerves are completly on edge. Growing up in 'earthquake country' does not make me immune to them - I probably just hate them all the more. Time for bed, and hopefully some better sleep.

Another Agenda and 12 Step Meetings

I'd like to write a post here, but my computer has it's own agenda. We have a new laptop - such a great thing - however the mouse pad is SUPER sensitive. This means that as I'm trying to frantically get my thoughts out before I loose them completely, the cursor jumps to another line and I start to type over what I've already written. (I guess my thumbs drag a little while I type.) Or worse, it erases almost an entire paragraph before I even know what is happening. UGH!! I'm very sleepy, much in need of a diet coke, and I'm just trying to get down some coherent thoughts before I have to tackle the horrible mess in my kitchen.

12 step meetings are an incredibly real place to deal with one's humanity, as well as one's spirituality. I don't think we can be truly spiritual unless we come face to face with what makes us human, and the messy-ness of it all. Can I really embrace Christ if I'm holding on to any false sense of who I think I am, or even who I'd like to be on my best day? He wants me to bring it all to him . . the questions, the doubts, the struggles, the joys, the hopes, the demands, the laughter and the tears. If I seek to keep any of it to myself, I just end up hurting others and stagnating in my growth. Church can be a weird place because theoretically it is to be a place where I come "Just as I am", but if I were truly that, I don't think many church folks would want to be around me. Honesty about who we are is so completely refreshing - it runs a close second to the refreshment the truth about Christ's love brings. But, do I go into a bible study and tell everyone about how controlling I am with my husband, and provide the gory details of words, tone & actions? No, but I might ask for prayer for a critical spirit, or a fearful heart - but I keep it right there, that way no one thinks badly of me. So much of our church life and our christianity becomes driven by what other believers might think of us. Not even what they WILL think of us, but what they MIGHT. Now, if I know I have any chance of encountering a judgemental or pharisaical response from someone, there's no way I share my "gory details" with another. I already know how I've failed, I'm not about to put myself in a place where I'll be condemned - simply for being honest. What is the fear? We don't want to lose our "status" in our faith community? Should a sense of status exist in such a place? Our we elevating man's opinion of us over God's? Do we fear man rather than God? And, do we elevate men and their theological expertise and stature over God as well?

I hate the fact that I sometimes yell at my child. But keeping that part of me hidden from others for fear of what they think of me will only allow it to continue. Do I really want to do better and get help with that? Then I need to reveal it.
Where have we come to in a community of faith where no one feels free to share real struggles. God is the only one with the ALL the answers, and often the wisest and bravest thing a person in chruch leadership can do is answer some questions with "I don't know". We don't know it all - no one does. I've heard someone say something like, those who authentically live out humility, love and christlikeness talk about it the least. Living it out for me means admitting the damage I've done, asking for forgiveness and then living the life of love. So much easier said then done, but thankfully I'm not left to my own devices to figure it out. I'll close as I would at a meeting; Thanks for letting me share.

Helping Me

Before I begin my 'real' post I have to say, I was halfway through writing it and I hit some key (which one I don't know!) and my post just disappeared! Why are computers SO LAME sometimes?! Ok, onto my post.

My son has a phrase he likes to use when he's offering his help. "Helping me?", to which I reply, "Yes, you are helping me - thank you so much." It's very sweet. Although, I have to admit I don't always appreciate his efforts to 'help' me. I've been reflecting lately on some things in life that are pretty helpful to me right now. Here's a list - it n no particular order.

- My new front loading, extra-large capacity washer and dryer. Doing the laundry used to be such a chore, but now I almost enjoy it. I laughed when the delivery guys told me how these appliances would change my life - but they have. And they are so quiet. That is key when your washer and dryer are in your kitchen.

- Attending Al-Anon meetings. I've been going regularly now for a month and they so help me with my perspective on life. Growing up in an alcholoic home tends to load one up with quite a bit of baggage, and I didn't even realize how much of it I'm lugging around each day. The phrase "co-dependent" tends to be very cliche nowadays, but if the description fits. . . . .
My whole life revolved around what other people were doing, or more accurately put, not doing - especially, if in my opinion, they really needed to be doing it. I wondered how people could be so carefree - and, well . . happy. Even in spite of very imperfect relationship circumstances. I'm now learning. I have quite a ways to go . .but, I'm learning.

- Prayer. It always helps - and yet I still somehow manage to forget to do it. And then I wonder why I'm feeling so down, hopeless, and bugged. It's not a magic wand, but it always helps.

- Other bloggers book lists. I wasn't tagged on this one, but the responses from the other tag-ee's have given me a new reading list I'm eager to get started on. Barbara's (www.mommylife.net) included the Big Book of Al-Anon, which I should get soon. I'm also anxious to try Madeline L'Engle's Circle of Quiet, reccommended by Mel (http://melodee128.blogspot.com/), and a new one just released yesterday, Julie Ann Fidler's Adventures in Holy Matrimony. I was able to read the first chapter at Relevant Magazine (www.relevantmagazine.com/) and now I need to read the rest.

- And finally, thanks to my nephew (13), who watched my son yesterday afternoon so I could go get a pedicure & coffee and hang out with his mom. Such a great break!

Ever So Tired

I really want to post about my new washer & dryer, and books and things in life that have been incredibly helpful, but my extreme tiredness is getting the best of me. Anyone ever heard of RLS?? (Restless Leg Syndrome). Not life threatening by any means, but oh so annoying when trying to get to sleep! I had a bad case of it last night and could not get to sleep. If you don't know what it is, be very glad. If you do - I really feel for you. Your body reaches that moment where you are about to drift off into dreamland and your legs move involuntarily and WAKE YOU UP! Sometimes this happens to me repeatedly over the course of an hour or so. Stretching can help, and light massage, too. However there are times when not even those remedies are not helpful. So, I'm off to try and sleep. I'm hoping with a good night's rest I'll be in a better blogging frame of mind tomorrow.

Another Good Quote

"How often do we perceive mere well wishing as adequate aid to our brother's struggles over tangible services that we could immediately offer?
Humility? What is humility? From what I observe, I know it as a means of manipulation. I have been taught it as a tool to position others for my own gain. I do not really know it in the full context of elevating you over me, your needs above my own."

"I am an idealist of brotherly concern, not a practioner. I am a professor of its belief; at times I even claim it as my own, but ultimately the absence of deed testifies against me. I am the double-minded. I am the forgetful of Your Word."
This quote is from The Broken Messenger, entry dated Wed. June 1. Go here.

These statements, and his entire post, were very convicting to me. I can become so wrapped up in my own need, how I want to be ministered to and cared for, that I completely forget about serving others. It's tough, especially if you've been jaded by living amongst some of the "(using humility as) a tool to position others for my own gain" crowd. Cynicism creeps in and rather than having compassion towards others, I judge and analyze what they should have done for themselves to keep themselves out of such messes. I can almost hear myself praying at times, "Thank you, Lord that I'm not like so-and-so over there" and forgetting that I'm merely seeing a fraction of what happens. I don't see the whole story - but God does. He looks at the heart and not at the outward appearance. I need a humble heart to see as God sees.

Then I saw this too. Shaq is paying for that guy's funeral. You know, I realize that he has ALOT of money, but so do alot of other people and he didn't have to do this. But, he did.

My 4 Hour Time Window

Our new washing machine is being delivered today. This will be the first time in my life I've owned a new washing machine. I'm excited, but also a little concerned. We requested it be delivered AND installed - however, the delivery people called yesterday and said "the paperwork" didn't show any installation services. We already paid the extra money for the installation part.

This is very important to us, since it means they will remove the old washing machine and hook-up the new one for us. My Corporate Executive Husband is not a handy guy. Now, I realize it may be a no-brainer to install this thing, but anytime husband and I try to do a project like this together it can get a little scary. Although - in his defense I must add that he did temporarily fix our dryer venting system and it's now working well. (A repair guy will come next week.)

Where's the dryer?? We were given a 1-year-old Whirlpool Duet Dryer. The previous owner couldn't use it in their house since it is electric and their new house hook-up is gas. I'm thanking God for our wonderful free dryer and praying we get some really nice installation guys to hook up the new washer today.

I must go since I have errands to run before I'm confined to the house waiting for the delivery guys. Hmmmm . . .I need a quote here since it is my week of quotes.
"The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge."
-Daniel J. Boorstin