A Week of Quotes

So, over the past week or so I've been thinking about a topic I really wanted to post here. My thoughts were just beginning to come together. And then I read them . . . . over at someone else's blog. Man, I thought I was so original. Not only did I read the thoughts, but they were very well put. (Kind of humbling I must say). So I will put them here for you to enjoy, and I'll provide the link as well.
My Big Idea for the week: This will be a week of quotes. From books, other blogs, magazines, maybe even a movie or two. I actually started it all yesterday with a quote from a great book. (Who knew what would come of it??)

Here's the quote from Jollyblogger

"Parents today are bombarded with books, tapes, cd's and seminars full of helpful material on parenting. This goes for religious and non-religious parents. Again, in my context as a Christian, I can rattle off the top of my head many names of authors and titles of books that are specifically devoted to helping you raise your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord and keep them walking with Christ.

We read all of these things and think that there is some guarantee in reading them and applying their principles that, if we read and apply these principles, our kids are going to turn out perfect, or if not perfect, at least pretty good. Yet in the Bible you've got people like David, a man after God's own heart, who commits adultery and murder. The disciples themselves had three years of training at the feet of Jesus yet they deserted him. And we don't even need to mention Peter."

The entire post is great; 'What About These Wayward Children' May 23, 2005
Enjoy!

Stuck

I'm stuck. In a rut. In life and on this blog. My posts are becomming few and far between. There doesn't seem much to say, but I know there is. I just need to be disciplined and put it out there. But right now it's late and I need to get some sleep. Here's a quote I like from a book I've read a few times:
"Enjoying God's company is difficult when we have fears about God. Fear causes us to keep our distance from Him - sometimes by staying busy doing things for Him."
The book is 'Enjoying the Presence of God' by Jan Johnson
Until tomorrow . . . .

Martha Stewart Anonymous

Hi, my name is Tracy and I subscribe to Martha Stewart Living. I have now for 8+ years and I still have each copy. This magazine came along at a time in society when we stopped having people over to hang-out and started 'Entertaining'. I grew up in a home where we never Entertained. We didn't have 3 different sets of china, iced-tea spoons, or pickle forks - heck, we didn't even have salad forks half the time. No one cared if the tablecloth matched the dishes. Our parties didn't have themes. Everything was very casual, realxed and apparently pretty tacky, too. And along came Martha with her beautifully decorated tables and equally beautiful food that tasted good too. Since I had never really had any formal (or informal) kitchen training from mom, other than how to make Grandma's chocolate chip cookies, I quickly became a willing pupil of this self-appointed homemaking guru. I loved receiving each issue and would read the articles and drool over (be jealous of) the decorating, food items and overall togetherness of this type of life. My woven bracelet would have read "WWMD".

But attaining that level of perfection in one's home & cooking was pretty beyond me. Instead of being inspired by her glossy photos, and later tv show, I would become frustrated and discontent. I think it's no simple coincidence that her name is Martha. I've heard it taught about the passage in Luke that the preparations Martha was attending to when Jesus and company visited were necessary, but she became myopic in her desire to get everything prepared. In a sense she forgot the heart of having people in her home to break bread and share life, and became overly concerned with the preparations themselves. Mary wasn't "better" for not having done the domestic duties, but she had the right overall focus - on Jesus. The food, etc. was secondary. How often have I been reminded of this. I get myself all stressed-out because the food isn't getting done on time, or the house isn't as clean as I'd like, and I stop. I talk to God and remember that the reason the people are coming over is to spend time with us, and we are equally interested in seeing them. I shift my focus from the preparations to the people and what I like about each person and what we could talk about. I stop worrying that my green beans aren't perfectly blanched, and know that no one will really notice if I've had to replace the sherry vinegar from the recipe with whatever vinegar I have on hand. Perfection - whether it's in parenting or domestic duties - isn't what God is asking from us. What he wants is my heart and that it reflect His.


Yes, I still own those magazines, and I still receive a subscription. But I now view it all as more of a reference tool - an Encyclopedia of sorts. Sometimes I pick up an old one and see a good (& simple) recipe that might be fun to try, or read about how to care for my butcher block counter top. But, I'm able to put it back and know that even if I don't get to these things, life is still good. My sister came over last night and I was making a Martha recipe as one of the side dishes. I didn't have a few of the ingredients, so I had to come up with alternatives to make it work. Everyone enjoyed it, and it may have even been better that way. More importantly I didn't get myself all concerned with the food, how would it reflect on me, etc. It's food - we eat it. The best part of the evening was catching up with my sis and watching her play with her nephew. I'm reminded of Proverbs: "Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred". My home certainly won't be know for pefect meals of 'fattned calves', but hopefully there will be love.

Technical Difficulties

That's what's been going on here lately. . . so getting on to post has been a bit hit and miss. Hopefully today will be more of a hit. (Computers drive me crazy!)
Lots to say, even more that has been swirling around in my head, but not really alot of time to flesh it all out here. My son just went down for a nap and I have quite a long list of tasks to accomplish while he snoozes.

Ever have those times in life where you're just not finding your place? There's no group of people or place that you go where your on the same page of life as everyone else. Maybe in a sense I fit on the mommy-track page, but as far as my faith experience goes, I'm on a much different page than most. Christ is my Savior, and I believe I've been adopted into God's family and I have received (and will ultimately receive in Heaven) His inheritance. But I am in a "valley" in a lot of ways, and although I believe God is in that valley with me, maybe even carrying me at times, He's a very silent fellow traveler. I offer up my requests, my heart, everything that is going on and there is mostly silence. Most of my "major prayers" are going unanswered at this time. In my head, or based on my knowledge of who God says He is in His word, I know He has a plan and it is for my good, but the reality I live each day can be gut wrenching on many levels. I used to be one with a faith that truly believed that there was a verse for whatever I was going through, and I just needed to find it, focus on it, live it and all would be better. Well, that just isn't the case anymore. I find that if my faith is even going to survive some of the trials, I have to grab on to a major tenet like, 'God loves me', and hang on for dear life.

So, maybe the computer glitches are here for a reason. When it seems like one's prayers are hitting the ceiling it's alot like getting a computer message: "technical error". I know that God is much more reliable than my computer(s) - in fact more than any person on this earth - people will always disappoint, but He has promised never to forsake me. Maybe He just seems silent, but what he's doing is stripping away my people saftey net, so that I will seek to only look to Him for fulfillment, joy and a sense of purpose, instead of looking to others. Alot to think about.
Mabye it was better that I focused on this post before my "chores", so as I do my mundane activities I can think about Him, His promises and what I can be grateful for.

While I Was Out

Yes, I was gone for a few days. I had every intention of putting an "out-of-office" type reminder here on Sunday . . . but it just didn't happen. Husband went on a business trip and little boy and I went to visit my mom. She lives in a very rural part of North San Diego county . . . I feel like I go back in time a bit when I'm there. Her town has no major name large grocery store, no gas station (ok, one at the local Country Club - for members only), and all roads are 2 lane. The community is situated in the midst of orange and avocado groves and it smells wonderful in the springtime.


So, I'm back. Little boy is done with his antibiotics and I'm feeling better, too. Something I have not mentioned here before is that my husband and I attend marriage counseling twice a month. It's helpful and our counselor is very understanding and helpful, especially when our life gets pretty hectic. Why am I mentioning this? I'm about to tell you.

In going to marriage counseling, I found there were issues that I really needed to deal with on a more personal level, but the counselor we see is a man, and I felt I should see a female counselor in a one-on-one setting. I found my new female counselor through a few references from church. She seems to "get" my issues, and my first session with her is great. I emphasize that I can't make a weekly commitment at this time (limited childcare being my main issue), but I can let her know week-to-week what will work. She emphasizes how much she has a heart for SAHM's and understands the need for flexibility. She even lets our first session run long because I was running late. I make a second appointment, but just a day before the appointment little boy gets sick and I realize I can't leave him with my SAHM friend to possibly infect her children, AND he needs to go to the doctor. I call and explain and she lets me know her other available times for the week in case: a) he gets better and b)I can find childcare on a different day. (She remembers this conversation also including something about scheduling for the following Monday, but I don't catch that part - AT ALL) I realize by Wednesday that I now am sick,too. Trying to reschedule is out for this week. I go to call her to relay all this, but I can't find her number. I lost her card. My paper with alternative numbers is also missing. (Story of my life). I think, "Hopefully she'll call me back and we can reschedule for sometime next week.". Although, I know my days are limited for that week because I already have plans to vist my mom.

Fast forward to Monday. I arrived at my mom's Sunday evening, and it's now Monday morning around 10am. My cell phone rings. I answer and it's my new counselor. She tells me we have a scheduled meeting - right now. I think I said "We do??" in a rather surprised tone. I explain that I don't have anything written down on my calendar, but I also apologize for missing the appointment. (to me, the appointment never extisted, but I'm apologizing anyways since it's an inconvenience to her). What's odd to me in all this is her tone on the other end. She's angry and bugged. I apologize again, and then explain that I wouldn't have made the appointment because I had plans, in fact I'm near Escondido . . . . right now . . . visiting my mom. She still sounds very bothered, and I then thank her for calling me, especially since I lost her number. I ask for her number and while she's giving it to me I get the impression she doesn't believe me. Why would I make-up losing the number?!!? I hang up. And now I'm mad. What occurred was a simple misunderstanding, yet I get treated like an irresponsible child . . . by a licensed therapist! Where was the understanding? I was told she understands the harried and unpredictable life of a SAHM and she "has a heart" for us. All I could think was, maybe other SAHM's don't have a life like I do . . . maybe they are much more together and don't have kids that get sick at really inconvenint times . . . . .regularly. I don't know, but what I do know is that I won't be going back to see her. I'll pay her what I owe for the missed sessions and then let her know it's not going to work out.

I think I might stick with other therapy options at this point. Taking an hour to get a manicure/pedicure can be just as relaxing and much less expensive - and nobody gets mad at me.

God's Alarm Clock

It's 6:27am as I begin this post. I've been up since 5:30 due to chirpping. I can totally relate to Gina and her feelings on the earlybirds.

I've been inspried by a few great posts lately, but getting the words to flow from my head to my fingers is proving to be challenging. It's going to be a busy day of car service, a graduation party, a birthday party and getting things ready for my husband's business trip - he leaves tomorrow. So, instead of cursing those little birds, I'm enjoying the quiet time to myself before the day takes off. Kind of like the calm before the storm.

I actually went to the movies last night with a girlfriend.
Can't even remember the last time that happened. I got to the theater early and just sat in the outdoor courtyard and read a magazine . . . . .from cover to cover in one sitting. Can't remember the last time that happened either. We saw the movie "Crash". Very interesting. The whole thing takes place in the context of my neighborhood (which is weird to see people on the big screen referring to the street I drive down every day). I actually only saw the first half of the movie. (Very long story) So, I guess I'll finish seeing it, someday?
My life is a series of unfinished movies, half-developed thoughts, and interrupted activities. I'm complex in thought, but simple in day-to-day living. I appreciate good design, beautiful art and well-appointed homes, but I don't need to live in that kind of enviornment to be happy. In fact the moment I become drawn into trying to make my home look a certain way, I descend down a slippery slope of discontentment. I will get to see my family today - mom, siblings and their signifigant others. I'm excited and anticipate our reunion, but there is an anxiousness in me too.

On a completely different note, little boy was stirring about 15min. ago, but I think he's gone back to sleep! There is a God in heaven and He does love me! Of course I know that's true, even on the really bad days, but I'm thankful for the reminder of his grace and unexpected gifts of time. Since He's given it to me, I think I'll go spend some time with Him . . . mabye that was the real reason for the birds at 5:30am.

The Dishes are Waiting

I'm writing another post, knowing that as soon as I'm done I must be on to the dishes. I've been blog surfing and came accross one where 30+ comments were posted about what SAHM's do once the kiddos are in bed. Here's what I found interesting. . . . mom's who told of what time their children rise in the morning. Their responses revealved that most of them get up and attend to the kids at that time, when the kids wake up. Ok, where am I going with this. . . . . we have some freinds who have this thing about how early their kids get up, and at times they request that kids go back to sleep so mom and/or dad can get some more snooze time. That is so not my reality, and it seems to be the case with most of the mom's who commented here - not their reality either. It's not being "child centered" (or any other christian parenting faux pas) to get up when your kids do - right? Am I right here people?

I guess I bring it up because my husband upon hearing of what our friends do, suggests that we sometimes (read: weekends) get more sleep by requesting that little boy go back to sleep. I don't think that's going to work. . . we say that 6 days a week he wakes up and we get him and begin our day, but one day he now needs to go back to sleep. We've sort-of tried it, but he doesn't really go back to sleep. Sometimes he'll play in his crib, but for only twenty minutes or so. Maybe once he's in a big boy bed he can just get up and play on his own for a short time. . . ???? Please feel free to share any thoughts on this. 6:45am is the wake up time, sometimes earlier when dad/husband has an early workday. It doesn't really phase me since I'm more of a morning person. I'm almost always in bed by 10pm. So, I'd better go so I can make my "bedtime".

Today I was THAT Mom

So little guy and myself jump into the car for a quick grocery store trip. Just need a few things, and must be back home in 45min. to meet the bug man. Of course, traffic is . . well, there, and it takes longer than I'd like to get to the store. We go in, grab a few items, but little guy isn't in a cart. He does a GREAT job of walking right with me to get our necessary items and then we get to the check-out line. I'm a little stressed because I don't want bug man to leave the house if I'm not there in the specified time window - so I'm trying to hurry up a bit. Little guy suddenly decides he doesn't want to move up in line, so I have to pick him up while he's screaming "GET DOWN". I keep a calm voice and let him know he's not getting down, yet he keeps yelling. So, I'm obviously struggling to carry him and get out my money, club card, etc. I decide to set little guy on the small counter next to the card swiping machine. As I begin to swipe my card, he begins to fall backwards toward the checkout lady. I'm able to catch him, but I let out a pretty big frustrated sigh and firmly ask little guy to sit still while I punch in the numbers. The checkout lady glares at me. . . .I'm not really sure why, but there's no way I can put this kid on the ground 'cause he'll bolt. He's still yelling "GET DOWN" through all this. The bag guy puts my items in a grocery bag and asks if I need help out. I really do need help, but I say "no thanks" and proceed to put my son in the cart. Now he really starts to cry and yell. The whole way out of the store people are staring at me. Ahhhh . .. the joys of motherhood.

One more thing: the bag guys says to me as I'm struggling to put little boy in the cart, "good thing he can get a nap later", to which I reply "He's already had one."

Clarification

The term "bookmaker": also known as "bookie". A person in the business of taking bets, as on horse races, football games, boxing matches . . or any other sporting event.

A Piece of My History

Where to begin.. . . reflecting on my upbringing and the seires of events, choices, and people that have brought me to where I am today leads me to that question. There's the life everyone thinks they see, and the real life that occurs behind closed doors. When I was 8 years old our family - Mom, Dad, 3 girls and baby boy - moved from Palm Desert, CA to Hemet, CA. Not a big move. These two cities are an hour's drive apart, yet the cultures of these cities were vastly different. My dad was seeking somewhat of a new life, an escape if you will, from who he was in that desert tourist town. We had lived year-round in a place that most people only spent anywhere from a weekend to 4-5 months retreating from cold, hard weather. November through April it was ideal weatherwise, but the rest of the months were downright scorching and we spent most days from morning to dark in the pool. My dad was the golf pro at a swanky golf club/course called Del Safari. He was a gifted athlete, and golf was his sport of choice, followed closely by baseball. His life so far was a crazy, complicated one, and at the time of our move my mom was his third wife and we were his third set of kids, too. The community of Hemet embodied more of the family values I think he was seeking to embrace (or use as a cover?). There were also many horse ranches in this more agrarian place, and my dad in a effort to get back to some of his roots wanted to move in a vocational direction that invloved his love for horses - and eventually horseracing.

So, our family moved into a sprawling home, on an acre lot, in one of the nicest neighborhoods in town. We were considered "rich kids" from day one. My dad made as modest income as a golf-pro, but his real money came from his side profession of bookmaking. Part of the reason I think we left Palm Desert was he had been getting the message from the local authorities, "get out of town." So, my dad made his way into the horseracing business, yet kept the bookmaking going to support us until the ponies started paying off. However, our mormon neighbors (or anyone else for that matter) had no idea of the bookie business going on in the basement of our new home, known as 'dad's office'. My parents never really spoke openly of his bookmaking and by the time I was of the age that kids on the playground began sharing what their dad's did for a living, my answer of "he owns racehorses" always brought a interesting response - from other kids and teachers alike.

Ok - more to come later.

Ear Infection

I'm back. Man, there are some thought provoking posts and comments in the SAHM blogworld lately. I've briefly commented myself, but I have stayed silent for the most part because there is some major lack of sleep in this household due to little boy's ear infection. (Just diagnosed as such this afternoon.) When he's congested and in pain he doesn't sleep well, or at all depending on the severity. I was up at 2am with him, getting him to try his nebulizer so he could stop coughing long enough to take a breath. It worked, but he had a really hard time getting back to sleep. I was thinking of blogging on some of the more weighty (sp?) topics while he napped, but the nap didn't happen. So, I think I'll try to get a good night's sleep and maybe tackle some of my own musings tomorrow.

Wanted to say, I posted yesterday about my sister-in-law's mother's day/birthday weekend. Her dog got really sick. . . and she did too - STREP THROAT! The upside is that the dog is doing much better and my sis-in-law is now on anitbiotics. I guess she'll have to wait to enjoy some birthday cake.

I'm missing my bible study tonight since little boy is sick. My husband has to work late so I'll just be here. Maybe I'll get inspired to post some more interesting things at that time. The funny thing about missing the bible study - I actually did my homework, but I won't even be able to contribute. Oh well, there were plenty of 'rewards' in my day-to-day focus as a result of doing the homework. Getting in the word can be such a battle for me, but everytime I do I'm so glad I did. Maybe that's where I'll go once I get little boy down for the night.

Mother's Day. .. .I think

Today is Mother's Day, but somehow my 2yr old boy didn't get the memo. If he had he might not have come down with his cold. Now when I really think about the timing of his cold, I realize it's actually the 'best' time for him to have one. . . we have a ton of family stuff going on next weekend and that would be a really bad time for him to get sick, so I am truly thankful that if he had to be sick it's now. It's just making for a tiring mom's day for me. What I've realized though is now that he's older, he's not nearly as needy when he's sick. When he was small being sick for him meant holding him constantly. He went through a year of chronic ear infections and I'd have to say I came very close to clinical depression with the lack of sleep and relentlessness of taking care of a sick baby. I wanted this. . .to be a mom and I truly do consider it a blessing that I even get to be one.

Sometimes holidays just don't live up to what we might envision. Even for my sister-in-law. . .. . her husband and son planned a cool weekend of fun for her (it's her birthday too), but their dog has become very ill. It's so sad - we hope the dog is going to make it. This dog is what most would consider an ideal pet and they love her dearly. (My son adores the dog as well.) So, mother's day and her birthday are overshadowed by the dog's health concerns.

Other randomness: We watched "Ray" last night. Such a compelling story, and the music is phenomenal. I now think that would have been worth seeing in a theater with surround-sound. Jamie Foxx deserved that oscar and every bit of acclaim he received for that role. Another movie I want to see, but of a totally different genre is the new Will Farrell movie, "Kicking & Screaming". It's about a dad (Will) who coaches his kid's soccer team. I doubt I'll make it to the theater for it, but you never know.

I have more I'd really like to post about, but my sleepy brain is making it tough to put together words. Happy Mother's day to all my fellow SAHM bloggers. I love being a part of this community.

A Cold

The little boy has a cold. He was running a fever the night before last, but it seemed to leave yesterday. I guess it was a forewarning to today. He got up before 6am, but I was able to get him back to sleep. I'm pretty zonked since my husband and I were up late having an intense conversation about our marriage, life, and roles & responsibilities.

Not much else to say, but this: two of the blogs I read are from other SAHM's (stay at home mom's) and they have 4 kids and somehow manage to still workout/exercise in the mornings. I'm VERY impressed. Maybe I need to be inspired by their example . . . ok, right after my little boy gets over this cold.

I had a few good post ideas yesterday, but our computers were out getting fixed. Maybe the thoughts will come back.

Anger

I attended the mom's group at my church this morning and heard a great talk on anger. The speaker is a licensed therapist and she had alot of great insights to share. I looked forward to being a mom for quite some time, and really anticipated all the joys of raising a little one. What caught me completely off guard was how angry I can get both at my son and at circumstances surrounding parenting him. Today's talk tapped into some of the issues around that. I won't ramble on too much about it, but here are some of the points:

-Identify the course of your anger, be a student of it. Number the strength of your anger by rating it on a scale of 1 to 10. Take action when the intensity is between a 1 and a 4. Do not take action if the intensity is a 7 or higher. Take time to deintensify your anger before you express it.

-When you act, use words not actions. (i.e. throwing things). Keep an even tone of voice. Do not use mockery, sarcasm, belittling, joking, or teasing. Speak directly, firmly and kindly. State that you are angry, what the situation is that needs to change, and how you need it to change Be open to the other's perspective on the situation.

The speaker's name is Pam Erdman, and she also shared about the effects yelling and screaming has on our children. Their emotions become so stirred up, to the point that they become anxious and fearful and then don't hear what we are saying at all. So any time I'm thinking I'm finally being heard when I yell, I'm really not. If there is compliance it's only because of fear, or a desire for the yelling to stop. Another word for those intense emotions one feels in the midst of conflict is "flooding". This reaction is documented by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. "the heart speeds up . . . hormonal changes occur too, including the secretion of adrenaline, which kicks in the 'fight or flight' response. When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen . . . your ability to process information is reduced. It's harder to pay attention to what someone is saying." He writes this in the context of a marriage conflict, but I think the application can be made to any situation when someone is being yelled at by someone else. (the quote is from "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work")

Another great think to keep in mind - am I having realistic expectations for my child's age, stage, etc.?

A great book on the issue of yelling is "When You Feel Like Screaming" by Pat Holt & Grace Ketterman, M.D.. Here's a challenging quote: "That is why we have written about learning and using self-control. If you will master this skill and use it to stay quiet instead of impusively screaming out your rage and demands, you may transform your family life. Once you have conquered the screaming habit, replace it (the put-off and put-on of scripture) with self-control, silence and thoughtfulness. Then you will know what you mean to say, and you can say what you really mean." I think one of the kept secrets, if you will, for many stay-at-home christian moms is how often they (me included) yell at their kids. But no one admits it or talks about it, because then "what kind of a mom will people think I am". A very normal, human one, in fact, and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief, admit their own weaknesses and get some help. Things kept in secret usually stay unaddressed. (Satan's shame strategy.)

So much of this strikes a particular chord in me because I didn't really learn how to deal with anger growing up. I grew up in an alcoholic home with lots of yelling. The way I survived and sucessfully "fit-in" was to never have any negative emotions. I still had them, but never knew how to deal with them. I might go into that another day, but I'll end here by saying I'm very glad for these resources & tools. Simply saying out loud, "I am so angry about this. . .", or I'm getting so frustrated" helps me to come down a few levels when my anger starts to grow. Anger is a normal part of life - I just don't want it to be something that ultimately alienates those I love. Prayerfully, by God's grace I can do better wtih all this.

The Haze of Not Enough Sleep

Yes, I'm a bit hazy today. . . . .I went to bed an hour later than I should have. Woke up at 1am to hear little boy coughing (allergies- he coughs every night) got back to sleep to be jolted from my bed by the sound of the smoke alarm in our bedroom. Nothing like an adreneline rush at 3:36am. No fire (thank you God) but husband and I spent a good half hour making sure there really was no fire and realized the alarm battery was going dead. Usually these contraptions chirp when the battery needs replacing, but this one is different . . I guess?? Then little boy wakes up at 6AM! (His normal time is around 7am) So I get him from his crib and he and I go lay down in the guest room and catch another 45min. of sleep. (I was so hoping for 2hrs. more but I'll gratefully take my 45min. )

Anyone got some insights on how the 'comments' functions on other blogs? I posted one here, but it doesn't come up. Hmmmm. That's another blog I read regularly and totally enjoy. (I hope this link works, husband is at work so I did this one on my own. - Yikes!)

Sometimes I find myself thinking about how my life has turned out so far, in contrast to what I thought I would have wanted for myself at this stage, approaching 35. For example, I got married at 25 and thought, "ok, a good plan would be to have kids in about 2-3 years." In fact, many of our friends who were married right about the same time we were got pregnant 2-3 years after their wedding dates. But not us. Now at the time, I didn't understand and wasn't really happy about it to be quite honest. I wanted to be planning the nursery color scheme, thinking of baby names, and buying maternity clothes. I was also quite sure of the parenting philosophy/formula I would use too. For that part alone I am so glad we did not have a child at that time. I wanted to be a part of this particular "club" - you know, the membership guarentees that you will have a well-behaved child if you just follow the formula. I know myself well enough to know at that point in my life I would have become a slave to the "rules" regardless of my child's temperment and needs. And when things didn't go according to the "plan" I would have blamed it on myself - possibly resulting in lots of guilt, anger and sadness in response to my mothering efforts. Seven years and 3 months after our wedding date we had our son and I had thankfully changed my mind on using that parenting method. I know I would have parented more for what others thought of me, rather than to an audience of One. ( I still struggle with this . . .and probably always will to some degree.) Daily, moment by moment dependence on Him is what God wants not just in my parenting, but in all aspects of my life.

Isn't it funny how badly I want there to be rules and a certain way to do things. Nobody really thrusts the idea of being judgemental on me - I want to do it. I want to be able to say, " I followed the rules and now my child is wonderful, well-behaved, etc." all the while in my heart thinking of how good I must look. And when other parents children are not in line with what I consider to be "good" I can judge their poor parenting since that is obvoiusly what caused this. Here's the really scary part. . . even though I have embraced God's ultimate gift of grace and have employed some of John Fisher's 12 Steps for a Recovering Pharisee, I then want to judge others for their lack of grace. Now that I have the grace I want to boast about my graciousness and condemn those use formulas and rules. (I have read that book twice and will probably read it again.)

Then in the midst of all this parenting paranoia I put myself through I remember that my child is a person. He was created for relationship. Yes, part of my job is to raise him, teach him, give him the independence that will help him funciton in this world. . . .and at other times I just need to enjoy him. Enjoy the fact that at 2+ years he still wants to sit on my lap and likes to be read to. Listen to him form language and use his new founds words. Sing silly songs and always be on the alert for airplanes in the sky. I want to be able to find things at all his ages and stages that I enjoy - especially in the midst of the behavior that makes me want to tear my hair out. (I hear 13 can be a tough one for boys). My hope is that in enjoying him for who he is, he will glean an enjoyment of others - not for what they do (or don't do) but for who they are.
I'm still trying to learn that one.

I really wanted to wrap this one up with a cool conclusion that brought all these thoughts together, but it's after 10 o'clock and I need some sleep. Time to post. I'll close with a quote from my day-timer: "There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go." -Tennessee Willams. Or as Steve likes to end, "Now it's time for so long. . . . " -Blues Clues